"Lolitas Aren't Lovelies" - The Corrupted Ideology

 Alright, for this post you might need to be seated. 

  Today I am going to be discussing the infamous statement made in the lolita community, "lolitas aren't lovelies",

  Now, where did this idea start from? What are the origins? 

    

  I am sorry if I am neglectful with getting the exact research on this, but it seems like a lot of it comes from old "rules" and "guidelines" made from the Gothic Lolita Bible and other blogs about how to act properly as a lolita. Many of these rules were quite ridiculous like "Do not drink beer, that is for peasants". Many blogs spawned from these ideas, giving people info on how to live a "princessly" life in order to fit the lolita aesthetic and "lifestyle". 

  These rules are obviously overboard. No one has to follow such things to wear lolita; the fashion and the rules made in place to be more elegant in lifestyle do not go hand in hand. Many people recognized this and wanted new people to know this too. This is what I believe stemmed the phrase "Lolitas Aren't Lovelies". 

  No one wanted lolitas to be identified as princess wannabes who had to act elegant and posh on all occasions. This was unnecessary and would cause distress over newbies coming in and taking critiques. If someone was direct, the response from a newbie could be "this lolita is attacking me for not doing ___!"

  Under most circumstances, this is what happened. People would take offense to concrit from more experienced lolitas. HOWEVER, is this still an issue now?

  Yes and no. I say this because I believe the statement and idea has evolved far past its original concept. The idea that lolitas aren't lovely was supposed to be in reference to revolt against the overpowering act of being impossibly elegant and princessly. Now, the statement seems to be a reference more so to the latter example featuring the way newbies take concrit. 

  So, how often does this problem occur? How often do newbies feel personally attacked and storm off, angry, leaving the lolita community to never come back; "curse those frilly dimwits!" 

Well... I'd say not as common as thought of. 

  Now, I've gotten in a few debates within rufflechat about this exact issue. People claiming that newbies do this way more often than what I believe. And this is not to dismiss these statements or to say that this does not happen - because I know that it does. However, the spaces in lolita I spend the most time in often contain newbies. This is because I like to help others get into hobbies I enjoy, it's just something I've always liked to do. I enjoy helping people and giving out knowledge I can provide. I am not a very good teacher, but learned experiences and advice is my forte. So, I spend a lot of time in the Big Sisters of Lolita Fashion Facebook Group (a group made to help give advice to newbies or even experienced lolitas). I also go in and out of the official amino groups. So, I am confident in saying I have witnessed plenty of newbies, especially ones who ask for advice.

  In witnessing them, I have learned the newest and truest form of, "lolitas are not lovelies". More times than none, newbies will come into a chat, or post a photo asking for advice. The advice is often related to "does this color coord well?", "do you trust *insert indie brand*?", "how do you get used to wearing lolita in public?" - and many more. Little do I see people asking "can you coord this for me?" "is lolita related to the book?" "can I wear my hottopic dress in lolita?" and so forth. And, if I do see these things, surprisingly it is purely out of ignorance, not arrogance. The argument here is, "they have google! search it up! this is too basic of a question to waste time on. I am not wasting my time on them." As much as I agree that some of these questions can be frustrating, as it could feel almost like an insult to the fashion we all adore. I mean, how could someone really think a costume dress from Spirit Halloween could work with lolita, right? Well, this is the issue I come to. If I see a question as "absurd" as this, I usually either ignore it, or respond as I would if a new friend was trying to enter the fashion.  No shaming the person, giving them passive-aggressive responses, or making them feel like an idiot for questioning. Again, this isn't to say all lolitas do this, there is plenty of super kind and patient lolitas around. However, I noticed an uptick in using the lolitas aren't lovelies statement for a way to be a jerk to people... and quite unnaturally if I might add. 

  Yes, you heard it here folks. A lot of this mean girl attitude doesn't even appear to be real. People who post these absurdly aggressive comments often seem to force themselves into it. I noticed it's a clique type of hivemind within small groups and group chats. There usually is a head person, who has lots of clout from the other highly active members. The head person gives off this Regina George type persona and the other lolitas follow right along, in hopes for the queen to notice them. Why? Well, 'cause Regina herself was a jerk to them. The way for her to accept you and not treat you as a baby who must be dumb? Become just like her! Yes! You must emulate her anger towards others and this is how you will move up in the ranks.

  This all seems pretty ridiculous, right? I know, it does seem that way on paper. But it is true none the less. I have seen it many of times before. "Why are you so aggressive to them?" "Well, I was treated that way when I joined, so they need to learn how it is". 

  This isn't all that uncommon anywhere else in life. It's a typical middle school situation. But this is the issue... This should be left in middle school. 

  Obviously, if someone is being a jerk, you are not obligated to be nice to them. I am not here to morally judge you or tell you how to live your life, or say that I am somehow better. We all have different ways of life and how we go about things. However, I believe as a niche community, we should let this idea go, and retire this tiring persona. Lolita does not have to have an extreme personality on either end of the spectrum. You do not have to be a frilly princess who is made of rainbows, but you also do not have to be a Regina George. Think of what you want to do in the community; if these newbie questions seem infuriating, maybe newbie advice groups are not for you. There will be someone who comes along who enjoys giving out simple advice like this that can fill out the request. Evaluate your spaces, ask yourself if you enjoy who you are and what you do within the community. This goes beyond newbies, experienced lolitas experience this type of treatment as well. Of course, this is more geared towards online spaces rather than IRL, but let us trickle how we would act in a real-life situation onto online. 

  In all, I hope we can all enjoy the fashion together in a safe environment. I hope everyone enjoys their time in lolita and creates great friends and memories they can look back on for years. 

     Thanks for reading.